Struggling

I'm really, really struggling with this induction thing. I thought that if we got scheduled for it, I'd be very happy about knowing when I would actually be holding my baby. But instead I'm just really scared. I was upset about it yesterday afternoon and ended up crying about it. John thinks it's because I'll feel like a failure if I don't go into labor on my own (especially since I've had a baby before), but that's not quite it. I'd be frustrated that my body didn't go into labor on it's own, but not like I failed.

My trouble with this is the whole pitocin thing. I was able to deal with Aiden's birth fairly naturally (just some IV meds to take the edge off - completely out of my system when it came time to push), but from what I've heard about the pitocin, it makes the pain crazy bad. Epidurals scare the jeepers out of me. I don't want one. But I'm afraid that if I have the pitocin, I won't be able to handle it without one.
I know that no one will judge me or think I'm a big wimp if I end up with one, but I'd be disappointed in myself. Yes, it hurts to push a baby out, but there's something amazing about actually feeling your child come out of you. I don't want to be all numbed up for that. I want to feel it and to fully experience the birth of my child. I did talk to my midwife about the chances of going un-medicated with pitocin and she said that it makes the contractions peak harder and faster, so if I wanted to go un-medicated, I would really need to be prepared. Who knows? Maybe the utter fear of epidurals would make me barrel through the pain of the pitocin.

If I don't go into labor and end up at my appointment on Monday, I am planning on asking if we have the option of her breaking my water before we try pitocin (I'm fairly sure just breaking my water would start labor) or if she's required to start me on pitocin since it's a scheduled thing. I'm REALLY hoping she'll agree to break my water first, even if that means me coming in at 5am instead of 6:30. This baby just really needs to come before then. I was thinking how odd it would be if I went into labor exactly ON my due date. Talk about driving mommy to the brink of crazy!! So, if everyone could just pray that this kid will come out before I'm scheduled to be induced, I would really appreciate it. I know God has his own plan, but he's still been getting me begging and pleading multiple times a day!