Request

I love to spill my mind out here on this blog, but right now, I'm going to keep things mostly under wraps, just because I feel like discussing everything would be jumping the gun. I would like to make a request for you all to keep us in your prayers though. John and I are going through some massive decision making at the moment and I'm finding it to be more stressful and overwhelming than I imagined. I actually had trouble sleeping last night, popping awake a few times with a rapid heart beat and feeling very high strung. Needless to say, I don't feel very well today, but I'm trying to keep myself upbeat so I can make it through work this evening.

I appreciate that I have this sort of outlet to request prayer support when we need it and we certainly appreciate all the kind words we receive. Hopefully, I will be able to share more with you sometime next week.

A grocery surprise!

After I dropped Aiden off at preschool today, Nathan and I headed to Fred Meyer off of Cornelius Pass to grab a few things we were out of. We were nearly done when I remembered that we needed hot dog buns, so I turned away from the grocery line and headed back towards the bread section. As I turned the corner, this woman steps back from the refrigerated juice section and nearly backs into my cart. I saw her face and went "OH! I'm so sorry!". I nearly ran over Alana Kujula from KOIN Local 6 News!! She's much taller than I thought she was... I was a little flustered from the whole thing, just because it was so surprising. Then, she got into line right behind me as I was checking out! I didn't want to be one of those weirdos who get all fidgety and start going, "You're from channel 6, aren't you? I watch you ALL the time....". I figured she probably just wanted to do her grocery shopping in peace after getting off work (and see, I knew she'd just gotten off work because I had watched her at noon, so maybe I am one of those weirdos), so I didn't say anything to her. I think she smiled at Nathan a few times though. So yeah, that was my excitement at the grocery store today!

Babymilk

Ever since Nathan was born and Aiden noticed him nursing, Aiden has referred to it as "babymilk". Aiden has attempted to nurse on a few occasions, but I didn't really feel like letting him try (a few people said I should have just let him go for it to see what would happen). Late last week though, we had a definite first in the babymilk department.

Aiden wasn't being careful and ended up whacking Nathan in the head with a toy. I asked Aiden to please give Nathan a hug and kiss to apologize. Aiden says, "No, but I'll give him babymilk". He then crawls up on the couch, places the boppy pillow in his lap, pulls his shirt down so that his nipple is exposed, and says, "Ok baby, come get babymilk!". I was laughing so hard and just couldn't help myself, so I put Nathan up on Aiden's lap. Nathan wasn't going to stand for it though (smart kid) and got down immediately. Aiden was so upset! He kept saying, "Please baby...I have babymilk for you. Come get babymilk....please baby?". Poor Aiden was rejected. Now he knows how I feel sometimes. :^)

You'll notice that Aiden always refers to Nathan as "baby". We've been trying for quite a while to get him to say "Nathan", but he'll do it once (as "Natha") and then never do it again. We've had a few times over the past few weeks where someone will ask Aiden what his little brother's name is and Aiden will promptly tell them, "Oh, that's baby". I think Aiden is very aware that "baby" is not Nathan's name, but it's just what he prefers to call him. I wonder how long it's going to last. I'll be a little concerned if he's still calling him "baby" in high school.

A goodbye

We said goodbye to Brady last night. For those of you who don't know who Brady is, he is John's brother and he is heading off to three months of boot camp and an additional three months of medic training. We had our family farewell last night and thankfully, it was filled with lots of laughter and only a few tears.

We stayed at the in-laws until around midnight when John and I finally gave it up for the boys' sake. They did a great job staying awake, but it was clear that they were going to totally lose it at some point. As we got everything together and said our final goodbyes to Brady, I began to tear up. Now, I will miss Brady. We've always gotten along really well and he's just a fun guy to be around, so I am sad that he won't be here for six months. But the tears started while I watched him say goodbye to Aiden. Aiden LOVES his Uncle Brady (they share an intense love of trains) and asks for him often. Aiden is too young to really understand that Uncle Brady is going away for a while and he really won't understand why he won't get to see him at Grandma's house on Sundays. So, that hit me last night as we were leaving and I got all teary over it. I think I also got a little emotional for my sister-in-law, Carrie (yes, the two brothers married Carries). I can't imagine letting my husband leave for six months and I am continually amazed at her strength through everything she takes on. She will be in our thoughts daily over the next six months and hopefully we can see her often. For those of you who might like to keep up with her and Brady, she has a great blog and the link is in my blog list on the right, under 'Brady and Carrie Minthorne'.

We hope that Brady has a fulfilling experience during his journey and we look forward to September when he re-joins all of us here in Oregon. Carrie, we pray for God to carry you through the next six months quickly. We love you both.

Just a few randoms

I like updating everyone on things happening, but I'm finding that with children, housework, and a job, it's getting difficult to remember to write about them. Hopefully I'll find a nice balance eventually, but isn't that everyone's dream?

My dad was in town over the weekend and it was very nice to spend some time with him. I felt bad because I had to work Saturday night and most of the day Sunday, so I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I would have liked. While he was here (which was supposed to be a small vacation of sorts for him), he helped clean the apartment and even made dinner Saturday night! He really didn't have to do anything, but I can say that it helped get through the initial cleanup so I could focus on some deeper cleaning and organization that has been getting looked over for the past few weeks. On Saturday, we took him and the boys to the zoo and while we didn't get around to all of it, we still had a nice time. Since I had to work on Sunday, John ended up taking him back to the train station that evening, but apparently the two of them were able to have a nice long chat about marriage and things like that during the afternoon. I feel very lucky that John and my dad have always gotten along very well.

On Tuesday, John found out that another person at work was laid off. The guy finished a project and then was told that he was done and would be receive two weeks pay in the mail. John is now the most junior person on staff and it's more than a little scary right now. You remember when you were a little kid and you couldn't wait to be a grown-up? Well, now it stinks. I hate that I sit here and stress over the economy when I have absolutely no control over it. I worry about how we'd pay our rent, our bills, and how we'd feed our children. And I know so many people are going through it right now, but I really don't want to join them.

Since John is a little concerned about the whole job thing and worried that we might not have any health insurance, he finally made me get into to see my doctor about my asthma and getting my foot checked out. I've had this weird problem with my big toe for a few years now and the joint has swollen a bit, causing some pain. Turns out, I have a bunion. Yep, at 25 years old. The doctor says, "This is highly unusual for someone of your age....". I asked, "Would the fact that I spent years cramming my feet into pointe shoes have anything to do with it?". BINGO! Bunions are caused by years of repeated foot abuse (my term for shoving feet into unnaturally shaped shoes). I can take Tylenol, wear shoes with plenty of room in the toe area, and hope it will eventually correct itself, or I can take the last resort option and get surgery. We'll see how bad it gets.
I also got a new prescription for my inhaler and I have to say darn the stinking environmentally friendly inhalers! With my insurance, it was $50! Are you kidding me? I don't use it very often...I wouldn't be making THAT big of hole in the ozone layer with an aerosol inhaler. Bah.

But a $50 inhaler would have been the least of my worries if I hadn't had someone watching over me last night. After my manager and I closed the store, we were both sitting at the light to turn out of the parking lot and onto TV Hwy. I was at the front and my manager was in the car behind me. The light turns green, I start out into the intersection, and for some reason (thank you, Jesus), I glance over to my left. I see this minivan speeding straight towards me and they are not slowing down. I was able to slam on my brakes JUST in time to keep from getting totally t-boned across the intersection. The minivan never slowed and just sped right through the red light. I was fully aware that if I had not looked over to my left, the timing would have been perfect for a severe, possibly fatal accident. I guess I can appreciate the fact that my manager would have been there and would have been able to get John notified much faster than the hospital or police would have. It's unbelievable scary how quickly things could have changed for my family. I'm still a little shaken over it.

After a very long day yesterday and emotionally recovering from a near-death experience, I really just wanted to take a hot shower and sleep once I got home. But Nathan was having either tummy troubles or has become afraid of the dark (really couldn't figure out which), and he cried for the first half of the night. So I'm starting off today about as exhausted as I can be to still basically function and I have to work again this evening. The apartment is messy again from us not being home most of the day yesterday (which has never made sense to me, but always seems to be the case). I guess we were home just enough for them to make some messes, but not enough for me to clean up after them.

And here I sit, blogging. The mess isn't going anywhere, so I suppose I should start to focus on that instead. But I think you are all caught up on the basics now. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the job issue. While I'm happy that I was able to find employment, I would fall way short of being able to pay our bills and fill our tummies on part-time minimum wage if John were to get laid off. He's on mandatory reduced hours right now, so they are trying to avoid laying him off, but if things don't look up soon, it might not be avoidable.

To end, I hope you all have a wonderful day. A great attitude is half the battle fought for getting through a tough day. Let's hope I can keep that in mind ALL day today! :^D

Aiden's first dentist appointment

It wasn't good. I told Aiden before we went that we were going to the dentist and he responded happily that he would get to show the dentist how he brushed his teeth. Once we got there, Aiden went up to the counter and announced, "Hi, I'm Aiden. And I'm here to see the dentist.". He also seemed really eager to get back to the exam room.
But once we got back there....things went downhill quickly. As soon as Aiden got a look at all the strange dental equipment and heard the drilling noises coming from other exam areas, he flipped. Crying, shaking, and he went and hid in a corner! We kept trying to explain that we just needed him to open his mouth and show us his teeth, but he just huddled down further into the corner and kept crying.

Finally, the dentist came in (who is a pediatric dentist and used to dealing with little ones). He had me hold Aiden in my lap, warned me that Aiden probably would cry, but it would just take a minute to get a look in his mouth. So he got a quick look at his teeth, said that it all looked great, and sent us on our way.
As we left, Aiden kept repeating, "I'm so scared....I'm sorry, mommy". It was heartbreaking. Poor kid had one of the worst first experiences at the dentist...and they barely did anything.

Aiden, again.

We have been having continued success about once a day on the potty training, which is fantastic! I love that he finally decided on his own that he was ready and was going to do it. I was stressing out about preschool next fall, because they require the kids to be potty trained for the class he's going into. I was almost convinced we'd have to fib on his potty status!
But now that he's going to the bathroom regularly, he's becoming more and more interested on how his body works. This was our conversation today:

Aiden: "Where does poo-poo come from?"
Me: "Poo-poo comes from your bottom."
Aiden: "You're crazy."

John believes that Aiden was wanting a more complex answer than the one I gave him, so he requested a children's potty training book from the library called 'What Happens To A Hamburger?'. I suppose we'll give it a try...

Aiden also caused a bit of a scene in Target this afternoon, but thankfully it has nothing to do with bathrooms and bodily questions. He had initially protested getting into the cart, but I told him that if he rode in the cart and behaved for me, we'd see about getting some Goldfish crackers. He behaved for the duration of the shopping trip and so we picked out some Goldfish crackers. Aiden likes to hold up whatever item he has attached himself to, so that the cashier can scan it while still in Aiden's hands. Aiden did this and I told him that he'd done a good job and the Goldfish crackers were now his. Aiden responded with the following:

"Oh, thank you, mommy! This is the best birthday EVER! I love you so much! You're my very best friend!"

I tried to shush him a bit because the cashier and mothers around me were looking at me as though I were a horrible person for only buying my child Goldfish crackers on his birthday. Of course they had no clue that it is still about 7 months out from his birthday and he was just being strange, but it certainly made me look bad. I told John once he got home from work and he laughed so hard, he cried.

Aiden has certainly been giving me quite a few good stories for when he gets older!

He did it!!!

After countless dry runs and little reminders to try to get Aiden to begin using the potty, we had success today!!! I was preparing the slow cooker for dinner and Aiden comes up and says, "Poopoo needs to go in the potty". Now, more often than not, he says this after he's already gone in his pants, so I just grabbed a diaper and the wipes and went to work on changing him. I took his diaper off to see that there was no poo yet, so I thought that maybe he really did need to go. So we sat on the potty and I sang a little potty song....after about a minute, I hear the sounds of our first success on the potty!! I clapped and cheered and laughed and Aiden thought it was great for me to make such a fuss about going poo! We finished things up, washed our hands, and he was treated to a little piece of chocolate for a job well done. Then we called daddy and told him the good news.

Hopefully this is the true beginning on going on the potty regularly. I had a feeling that we were getting close, but boys can take so long, I wasn't sure when things were really going to set for him. I'm so unbelievably happy right now and I'm so excited to get him out of diapers! Who knew poo could cause such happiness?

The things Aiden does

Aiden has been a little....opinionated lately. I asked him if he'd like pizza for dinner and he responded happily that yes, he would like pizza. He then makes his way over to the front door and stands there. I figured out pretty quickly that he was waiting on a delivery person to show up and knock on the door. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "This is where the pizza comes from". I told him yes, sometimes, but tonight I thought I'd make the pizza. He looks back at the door and then..."NO!!!!!!!!". Crying, bawling, etc. I guess he wanted delivery. :^) He seemed fine with homemade once I put it in front of him though.

Also, a few days ago, I was changing Nathan's diaper on the floor when Aiden came up behind me. He lifts up the back of my shirt, sniffs, and says in the most matter-of-fact tone I've ever heard, "Hmm, it's poopy". Of course, I protested that I certainly was not poopy, but he had made up his mind that the smell was coming from me.

Three year olds are very, very interesting little people.

Toxic

We finally made it to church this morning...only the 2nd time so far this year. After all the recent...um, activity regarding my parents and their court cases, I needed to hear a sermon. It was about forgiveness. How God doesn't HAVE to forgive us when we sin, but he does because he wants to. It was also about realizing our sin and that sin IS a big deal. Now, the sermon didn't give me any miraculous insight into the anger and hostility I feel towards my mom, but it did bring up some interesting questions for me. Hopefully I can find the answers someday.

I realized that in all the time I've had anger towards my mom (and let's face it, it's been a very long time), I've prayed for her to change, to come to her senses, for SOMETHING to happen to make her see that she's hurting all of us....but I have never, ever prayed to be released from my anger. It's almost felt like I needed to be angry because the whole situation warrants me feeling angry and upset. So the questions that came to me this morning are these:

Is anger a sin? I think that it's normal human nature to become angry at times and can probably be somewhat useful in taking corrective action for a situation. But at what point does it crush that beneath it's big ugly feet and become sinful?

Do I have to forgive? Like our pastor said this morning, God forgives because he wants to, not because he has to. I have an entire lifetime of hurt that I'm attempting to process, all while trying to raise two little boys in a completely different manner than she raised me. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm HURT and ANGRY. I don't want to forgive her. Maybe someday, but not now. I know I'll probably not be released entirely from my anger until I can begin to forgive her, but I'm just not there.

After the service, I decided to take a look around the church library for something about dealing with anger. Instead, the book that stood out to me almost immediately was 'Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy And Reclaiming Your Life'. I began to tear up by the end of the first page.
I already know that I feel angry and hurt, but I'm beginning to wonder if I am just starting to uncover exactly how much anger and hurt there really is. I also find myself struggling to ask for God's help with my anger. Like it's a nasty little part of me that I can't let go of quite yet. Maybe I'll begin with pasting Mark 11:25 to everything I own....

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Whoa!

I just returned from the busiest day I've had at work so far. This was my 3rd day in a row working and all while sick (not a great idea, I know - but I feel like I'm too new and it would make me look bad to call out). Today was crazy! By the end of the day, the store had been worked over like we were giving the shoes away for free!

I had a small shift, since I only work evenings during the week, and my first two hours just flew by. I was shocked when I checked the time once things died down. I honestly thought it had been about 30 minutes, but it was a full two hours.

Thursday is the day the store gets the new shipment in for the week, so even though there were two of us working, the other girl had to spend time processing the new shoes (since I have no idea how to do that yet), so I was left to attend to the customers and ring up purchases. I did it, and with no mistakes, but it was mindboggling. Our daily sales totals have been between $500 - $600. Today, the ending total was $1200. And the big BOGO sale hasn't even started yet....

There were NO customers in the last 45 minutes that the store was open, which was fine because I had a lot to do to help close. I spent that time organizing the racks (called flipping the store), which had been totally worked over, like I said, vacuuming, preparing the garbage, taking the garbage out, and taking the broken down shipment boxes out. It's a little scary to do the garbage and boxes just because it's so dark out there.

Yikes. Long day...my feet hurt....my throat still hurts....and I'm very very tired. I realized how much it stinks to not spend any time with John once he gets home. He got home, I told him what he needed to do with the dinner in the slow cooker, I kissed the kids and left. It was the first night we'd given each other a sad look as I walked out the door. I guess three nights in a row will do that. Thankfully, I have tomorrow off and then I only work for two hours on Saturday, but the rest of my weekend is free (but I am on call for Sunday). I'm looking forward to the time at home and hopefully we'll all be feeling better.

The Issue

I sit here quite ill and needing to sleep, but there's something that's been needing to be discussed for a few weeks and today just piled more on top of it. I've mentioned in previous posts that my mother has some serious mental issues and that there's always something going on. Her and my dad have been involved in a court battle over the past few weeks and while the commissioner threw out the case and told my mother that she needed to figure out another way to work through the problems she has with my dad, my mom still keeps pushing it. She has tried to get a restraining order against my dad (for totally fabricated reasons) multiple times over the past few weeks with no success, but I heard today that she finally got someone to give her one. This means that my father has to temporarily move out of HIS home until his lawyer can get it reversed. There are so many details I could go into right now, but the details aren't why I need to get all this out.

I am lost. I like having control over problems and this is one that I have absolutely no control over and it makes me feel....well, out of control. Why can't she act like a civilized human being? Why can't she realize that she's completely messing up her family's life? What in the world will it take for her to come to her senses?? I am so unbelievably angry with her and this isn't anything new. I have not had a good relationship with her since 2005. I've told her never to contact me, I've told her that she can't be around my children (not that she cares that she has grandchildren anyway), I've tried so many times to talk to her about what she's doing and she just tells me that I have no idea what life is really like.

I've spent hours, days, weeks, years in prayer over this and all I feel I've gotten is God telling me to "let it go". But how do you let something like this go? How can it not affect me? I want to be a good Christian, but I'm having some trouble in understanding why she doesn't change. How can God just let her go on and do these things to her family? This is one area where I feel so inadequate in my beliefs. I just don't understand.

It's gotten to the point where I've had some awful thoughts. Please don't think badly of me for sharing this....sometimes I just wonder if it would all be easier if she weren't around anymore. Not that I want her to die, but it's beginning to seem like the only way that our family will ever have peace is if she were no longer with us. She is, quite honestly, turning into a monster. Her intentions are to hurt, to hurt deeply, and to hurt often. I have no idea who she is anymore. How can someone care so little?

Most women get to raise their children with help and advice from their mother. I have no such luxury. This woman's response to my pregnancy with Nathan was, "How stupid are you?".

I'm very, very lost. I don't know what else can be done. Will prayer work with time? Because she just seems to get worse every day. Something needs to change with her quickly, because I really don't know how much more we all can take.

Trying to take a breather

Everything seems so non-stop right now. I worked my first full day shift yesterday and then came home and cleaned before collapsing into bed. This was all after Nathan was up for a good part of the night because of his cold. I think John felt a little frazzled from being the mom for the day - Nathan refused to nap and Aiden projectile vomited all over the backseat of the car.

Work went really well yesterday though. As I was one of two people working and the 2nd person had to legally take a dinner break, I had to learn the cash register VERY quickly and without much practice. I guess just being thrown in and told to ring people's purchases up was practice. But I did really well and didn't make any mistakes! I did have to wear heels yesterday and amazingly, my feet didn't hurt until the last hour of my shift. I'm certainly paying for it today though. It's not fun to wake up to sore legs and a very sore throat (thank you, children).

I have the day off today, but Aiden has school, so I still had to drag myself out of bed to take John to work. I am looking forward to dropping Aiden off and heading straight back home for a few quiet hours with the baby (who should be sleeping during that time!), although I will spend most of the day cleaning. I then work for the next three days, have Friday off, and then work on Saturday. There's a possibility that my dad will come down to see us on Friday and stay overnight. It would be nice to spend a little time with him, but I also know that with all the issues he's having with my mom and the kids, plans can change at the last minute. There's a lot of stress going along with that and I have a whole post that I would like to write out on the issue, but it will need to wait until a little later.

I am trying to adjust to being a working mom and keeping up with everything else on top of it. The stress from multiple different sources is definitely weighing heavily on me and while I know that it's my job as the wife and mother to worry about every single thing, I'd love to let a lot of it go. I am working on taking some time out of every day to remind myself of what we have and to be thankful for it, because our situation could easily change with little notice.