The Issue

I sit here quite ill and needing to sleep, but there's something that's been needing to be discussed for a few weeks and today just piled more on top of it. I've mentioned in previous posts that my mother has some serious mental issues and that there's always something going on. Her and my dad have been involved in a court battle over the past few weeks and while the commissioner threw out the case and told my mother that she needed to figure out another way to work through the problems she has with my dad, my mom still keeps pushing it. She has tried to get a restraining order against my dad (for totally fabricated reasons) multiple times over the past few weeks with no success, but I heard today that she finally got someone to give her one. This means that my father has to temporarily move out of HIS home until his lawyer can get it reversed. There are so many details I could go into right now, but the details aren't why I need to get all this out.

I am lost. I like having control over problems and this is one that I have absolutely no control over and it makes me feel....well, out of control. Why can't she act like a civilized human being? Why can't she realize that she's completely messing up her family's life? What in the world will it take for her to come to her senses?? I am so unbelievably angry with her and this isn't anything new. I have not had a good relationship with her since 2005. I've told her never to contact me, I've told her that she can't be around my children (not that she cares that she has grandchildren anyway), I've tried so many times to talk to her about what she's doing and she just tells me that I have no idea what life is really like.

I've spent hours, days, weeks, years in prayer over this and all I feel I've gotten is God telling me to "let it go". But how do you let something like this go? How can it not affect me? I want to be a good Christian, but I'm having some trouble in understanding why she doesn't change. How can God just let her go on and do these things to her family? This is one area where I feel so inadequate in my beliefs. I just don't understand.

It's gotten to the point where I've had some awful thoughts. Please don't think badly of me for sharing this....sometimes I just wonder if it would all be easier if she weren't around anymore. Not that I want her to die, but it's beginning to seem like the only way that our family will ever have peace is if she were no longer with us. She is, quite honestly, turning into a monster. Her intentions are to hurt, to hurt deeply, and to hurt often. I have no idea who she is anymore. How can someone care so little?

Most women get to raise their children with help and advice from their mother. I have no such luxury. This woman's response to my pregnancy with Nathan was, "How stupid are you?".

I'm very, very lost. I don't know what else can be done. Will prayer work with time? Because she just seems to get worse every day. Something needs to change with her quickly, because I really don't know how much more we all can take.