Toxic

We finally made it to church this morning...only the 2nd time so far this year. After all the recent...um, activity regarding my parents and their court cases, I needed to hear a sermon. It was about forgiveness. How God doesn't HAVE to forgive us when we sin, but he does because he wants to. It was also about realizing our sin and that sin IS a big deal. Now, the sermon didn't give me any miraculous insight into the anger and hostility I feel towards my mom, but it did bring up some interesting questions for me. Hopefully I can find the answers someday.

I realized that in all the time I've had anger towards my mom (and let's face it, it's been a very long time), I've prayed for her to change, to come to her senses, for SOMETHING to happen to make her see that she's hurting all of us....but I have never, ever prayed to be released from my anger. It's almost felt like I needed to be angry because the whole situation warrants me feeling angry and upset. So the questions that came to me this morning are these:

Is anger a sin? I think that it's normal human nature to become angry at times and can probably be somewhat useful in taking corrective action for a situation. But at what point does it crush that beneath it's big ugly feet and become sinful?

Do I have to forgive? Like our pastor said this morning, God forgives because he wants to, not because he has to. I have an entire lifetime of hurt that I'm attempting to process, all while trying to raise two little boys in a completely different manner than she raised me. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm HURT and ANGRY. I don't want to forgive her. Maybe someday, but not now. I know I'll probably not be released entirely from my anger until I can begin to forgive her, but I'm just not there.

After the service, I decided to take a look around the church library for something about dealing with anger. Instead, the book that stood out to me almost immediately was 'Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy And Reclaiming Your Life'. I began to tear up by the end of the first page.
I already know that I feel angry and hurt, but I'm beginning to wonder if I am just starting to uncover exactly how much anger and hurt there really is. I also find myself struggling to ask for God's help with my anger. Like it's a nasty little part of me that I can't let go of quite yet. Maybe I'll begin with pasting Mark 11:25 to everything I own....

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."