Beginning to cope

I didn't sleep much last night. I think it was 4am before I fell asleep at all. My head hurt from all the crying and my neck so tense, I couldn't turn my head. John, however, fell promptly asleep and began snoring. I guess all the studies showing how women carry the majority of all family stress are actually true.

But I woke up this morning, took a shower, got dressed and ready, and headed over to work to speak with my boss. I wasn't scheduled at all today, but I wanted to speak to her right away about getting as many hours as possible. Of course, my timing was awful and I showed up during the big inspection by the district manager and the head of corporate marketing or whatever he is. I was introduced and they were very nice men and they asked if I was enjoying my job. I told them yes, I liked it very much and I felt like I was learning things quickly. I was able to get a few minutes in the back with my manager and told her the news. She thought I was quitting at first, and was about to cry, so I think the news actually relieved her a little. But she was very upset for me and told me she would work on the schedule for next week. As I left, I shook hands with the big bosses again and they asked inquisitively, "We will be working with you in the future, right?". I think they thought I was quitting too.

This afternoon, we called our real estate agent and requested to withdraw our offer for the house. He emailed over an addendum to our offer contract for us to sign, stating that we were withdrawing the offer. John signed it and handed it over to me and my goodness, I had to work up everything I could to sign that paper. There was actual physical pain in my stomach as I signed away our offer for that house. It felt like giving up and I cried.

I've gone through strange feelings today. At times, I feel like it's no problem and we can get through it with a little rearranging of our finances. And then, I'll wonder what will happen if John can't find a job within the six months that unemployment payments cover. And that's when the tears and panicking start all over.

I have gotten angry over it and I've asked God why. Why us? Why now? I'm sure I'll go over these feelings again and again over the next....well, who knows how long it might be. For now, we've gotten through our first day and that's a big step.