Motherless

This may seem like a horrible post, but I sincerely hope that you can understand the feelings behind it.

Some of you know that I don't have a good relationship with my mother and haven't since I was, oh, 12 years old. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who is manipulative, hateful, selfish, and verbally abusive. I never had a good look as to how a good mother should be and I struggle with it every day. Every day is a learning process on how to be kind, loving, and full of grace with my children. I am determined to NOT give them the same upbringing I had.

A few years ago now (and I honestly don't remember how long ago it was), she divorced my step-dad (who I adore) and has been attempting to ruin and control his entire life. They have been in and out of court so many times, I can no longer count. All he is trying to do is provide a somewhat stable home for my much younger siblings, while she has apparently decided that he deserves to be punished. For what, we have no clue.

Well, yesterday, she brought her new (3rd) husband (who is just a few years older than me) over to my step-dad's house and they proceeded to verbally attack my step-dad and force him out of his own home. Major (my step-dad) called the police on them while my mother called the police on him, insisting that it was her house and he wouldn't leave. Today, my mother took out a restraining order on Major, insisting that he had punched her. He is now unable to go into his own home (because the children live there and the order covers them as well) until March 31 when they have the court date. At that court date, my mother has to prove that he has physically harmed her. Now, this has happened about five times already and at every court date where she has to prove something, she fails to do so. She has also been nearly thrown in jail for 24 hours for screaming at the judge a few times.

I have had it with her. I had it with her about five years ago and have attempted to remove her from my life as much as possible, but because I am in contact with Major and my siblings, I will inevitably hear about everything. Especially these horrible, hurtful actions that usually require me to write a huge letter to the court, telling them about every single thing she has done in the past.

I honestly could not care less what she does with her life. She is toxic, abusive, and verging on wicked. I know this might sound cold, but she has put me and the people I love through hell. I don't want her around me and I sure as heck don't want her around my children. I consider myself motherless. Major told me that he's sad to hear that, but he understands that there comes a time when I need to choose to protect myself and my family from her actions. She has hurt too many people too many times. While I would like to imagine forgiveness, I don't foresee any relationship ever being had between us. The pain is too deep and all consuming.

Now, let me say here that I've prayed over this for the past few years and have felt like I was being told to let it go. That it wasn't my concern anymore. This is my way of letting it go as much as I possibly can while still being a support person for Major and my siblings. I have let her go.

I hope that she is able to find help for whatever is going on mentally and that she can turn her life around and become a loving person. But I have to walk away. I hope that no one judges my decision. It's been 14 years of deep, deep hurt and unless you've experienced it, there's no way to say how you'd handle the situation.

Please keep Major and all of my siblings in your prayers and thoughts. This is traumatic for them, to say the least. There is a plan in mind and I hope against hope that we can finally begin to put a stop to this. Sorry for the long rant. It's either here or with a therapist. Although that might not be such a bad idea.