To grieve

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in thought and prayer over the loss of my grandma. It really means a lot to me.

I grieved very heavily yesterday. I cried for around 4 straight hours. By last night, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Before I went to bed, I was able to think through what attending her memorial service in North Carolina would require and I lifted it up to God in prayer. I was getting a feeling that it wouldn't be in my best interest to go out there at this time, but because I was so worn out, I didn't feel like I could work out the decision myself. So, I asked God to show me His will. If it wasn't my time to take the trip, to please make it very obvious so I could know for sure. I had found a round-trip ticket from here to Charlotte for $291, leaving Friday and returning Tuesday. An amazing find to be sure, as most last minute tickets were coming up around $1000. I told God that if the ticket price stayed at that price through this morning, I would take that as a sign to go. When I checked this morning, it had jumped to over $500. There was my answer.

I thought through why it wouldn't be good for me to go. I realized that I need to grieve and remember my grandma in a calm atmosphere. Going there with my mother (someone who I have been clashing with for many years now) to be around other family members who have distrust for each other would not make for a calm atmosphere. It would be upsetting and stressful.
I do feel as though I'm being led to go out there soon, just not now. I am hoping that within the next couple of months, John and I can go together and visit graveside. She will be buried along with her mother and father, and I have yet to visit them graveside. It would be a good thing for me.

Her memorial service is on Sunday afternoon. John and I have made a plan to take the boys to Multnomah Falls and spend some quality family time together that day. I will be able to grieve, process, and remember her well this way. Calmly, quietly, and surrounded by my loving family.

It is weighing very heavily on my heart to make my way out to North Carolina soon. So I will keep you all updated on that journey. Please continue to keep us all in prayer. There are some people who are just now coming out of shock and really realizing that she has passed. There is still much grieving yet to come.