Some struggles

This last week has felt very long. I'm dealing with many tests of strength right now and I think I'm failing most of them.

I am still struggling with my grandma's passing. I'm still getting emotional at random times each day and I keep going over so many "If I'd only....". There were so many times I thought of calling, but didn't. We'd discussed flying out to visit, but never set a solid time frame. I can't go back and change anything and that really, really stinks. I hope she knew that I loved her and thought about her often. I'd like to stop kicking myself for not calling, but I think it will take a while.

On top of that, John's grandfather's condition seems to have gone downhill. He was taken out of ICU last week, but was sent back on Monday because the pneumonia came back and the white blood cell count in his spinal fluid was high. And John isn't dealing with it very well, so I have to try to support him, but I'm not doing a very good job. I don't have the emotional resources.

There are many issues with my mother that are presenting themselves. I really can't deal with that. And I don't want to. I don't feel as though I know who she is and my brain has to work overtime during conversations with her, as I have to try to decide whether what she's saying is truth or not. I'm being heavily reminded as to why I've chosen to keep some distance between us.

It's over-simplifying to say that I'm emotionally drained this week. My energy is way down and I've been attempting to compensate by filling up on too much caffeine. I crash hard every single night. It's probably due to the family stress, but Nathan is really struggling with sleep. He has amazed us with his development, but sleep is the ONE thing that he will not improve upon. He won't give up the nighttime feedings and I think they've actually increased over the past week or two. He won't go to bed. It's been taking me 3-4 hours each evening to try to get him to sleep. I know all the Ferber advocates would tell me just to leave him alone, but I promise you, it's not that simple. Out of pure frustration, I let him cry one evening. He screamed for an hour and then I finally picked him up to have this little boy look at me with such hurt....he nursed almost violently for a whole half hour and even then, it took me another hour to get him calmed down enough to go to sleep. That was more stressful and traumatizing than any evening of rocking, nursing, holding, rocking, nursing, holding.....you get the idea.
He actually went down fairly easy this evening and has been asleep on my bed for two hours. He slept for 5-6 hours straight last night and I can say that it was desperately needed on my part. If only it could continue to get better. I guess I should be thankful that he is an otherwise easy-going baby. If sleep is the only issue we have with him, I'll take it.

This is the first real time I've gotten to myself in a week. Both boys are sleeping soundly and John is working late. I should be taking this time to take a bath or hey, sleep. But I needed to put this out there to all of you first. I'm having a hard time and I could really use some good thoughts and prayers. I don't know what I'd do without this blog sometimes....:^)

A wedding and an outing!

Note: Click on any photo to enlarge. If you click on the title to this post, it will take you to an online photo album with all the pictures from our weekend.

We had an eventful weekend and it was certainly nice to differ from our usual routine. On Friday, we attended my friend Liz Sugden's wedding in Battle Ground, Washington. I have known her since I was 4 1/2 and we haven't really seen each other since I was in high school. She's been working as a missionary in Russia for Northwest Yearly Meeting for the past few years. It was great to be invited to be a part of her big day and to see so many people that I hadn't seen in years. I think I made some people feel very old by showing up with my husband and two children!
The ceremony was beautiful and simple. There was an extended time of prayer and reflection, during which people could stand up and share the ways they had seen God working in Liz and Karl's lives. We were all led in song by Nate Macy, who really has some magic fingers on that guitar! The vows included a German custom, but I couldn't hear very well (outdoors and no sound system) so I can't really tell you what it was! After the ceremony, there was a beautiful reception, which included a Quaker wedding custom of everyone in attendance signing the marriage certificate. The food was great - turkey wraps, fresh fruit and veggies, chilled water bottles (it was very warm out there!), and punch. We ended up staying for over 3 hours. Every time we began to get ready to go, someone else that either John or I hadn't seen in forever would run up and we'd all stand there, chatting and admiring my babies. I don't know when I'll get to see Liz again, since she's moving to Germany, but it was an amazing time and I wish her all the best.
Saturday was taken up by John's engineering class, housework, and grocery shopping, so it wasn't too exciting (although Aiden got a few big boo-boos playing football with daddy outside that evening). But on Sunday, we skipped church, packed up the kiddos and headed to the Gorge. We drove along the Historic Scenic Highway to Multnomah Falls, stopping at Vista House on the way. It was slightly hazy and a little cloudy, but it still provided us with a beautiful view down the Columbia River.
We got to Multnomah Falls and found that everyone else had the same idea that we did! The parking was impossible and there were huge crowds everywhere! We still got a good look at the falls and even had some lunch at the snack bar.
After eating, we got back into the car and headed to Oneonta Gorge, which is just a little ways down the road. John and I had hiked there many years ago and even swam under the falls (you have to hike through the gorge, mostly in a stream, but Oneonta Falls are beautiful and well worth it), and John wanted to go back. We took the boys down to the stream, but since the hike is a little tough and requires some climbing of huge log jams, we only went as far as you can go while staying out of the water (takes about 2 minutes). We found a little tree-covered area of the stream bed that we had all to ourselves and Aiden had tons of fun splashing in the water and throwing rocks. We stayed there for only about 30 minutes, as Nathan was beginning to get tired and wasn't going to sleep strapped to me in the Snugli. So, we changed the boys (diaper for Nathan, complete change of clothes for Aiden) and headed back home in time for dinner.

I wish we could take the boys out like that more often, but it's a little hard with John's class and work schedule. Still, we had a great time and took a lot of pictures. Remember the album link in the post title to see more.

6 month check-up!

We met our new pediatrician today! And we have to give a big thank you to Hannah for the recommendation because we really like him!! He was very open with information and we covered basically everything as far as development goes. We discussed sleeping through the night (which Nathan is not even close to doing - mainly due to the marathon teething) and how to begin getting him there without letting him scream his head off (I know everyone is different, but I'm very opposed to the cry-it-out method).
He was very surprised that Nathan was crawling, bringing himself to a sitting position from his tummy, and had four teeth already. He said, "So you have a 9 month old in a 6 month old's body!". We both agreed that it probably due to Nathan watching Aiden's every move. I don't know if I really want Nathan walking at 9 months though....he still seems too tiny to be crawling.

Nathan got three shots and did so great! He stopped crying as soon as I picked him up from the table. Aiden looked very concerned about Nathan crying because of the shots, but I can't tell if that was actual concern for the baby or because he thought he was next. Just wait until October, kid....

We have a very proportional baby! He was 50th percentile all across the board. This just confirms my thinking that he is perfect. :^) I'm really not trying to start a fight with any other moms out there, I promise!

Here are his stats with the latest ones in bold:

Birth: 7 lbs, 2 oz. 20 1/2 inches
2 weeks: 7 lbs, 13 oz. No length.
2 months: 12 lbs, 3 oz (65th perct), 24 1/2 inches (93rd perct), 40 cm head
4 months: 14 lbs, 11 oz (50th perct), 25 3/4 inches (80th perct), 42 cm head (44th perct).
6 months: 17 lbs, 3 oz (50th perct), 26 1/2 inches (50th perct), 43 1/2 cm head (50th perct).

To grieve

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in thought and prayer over the loss of my grandma. It really means a lot to me.

I grieved very heavily yesterday. I cried for around 4 straight hours. By last night, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Before I went to bed, I was able to think through what attending her memorial service in North Carolina would require and I lifted it up to God in prayer. I was getting a feeling that it wouldn't be in my best interest to go out there at this time, but because I was so worn out, I didn't feel like I could work out the decision myself. So, I asked God to show me His will. If it wasn't my time to take the trip, to please make it very obvious so I could know for sure. I had found a round-trip ticket from here to Charlotte for $291, leaving Friday and returning Tuesday. An amazing find to be sure, as most last minute tickets were coming up around $1000. I told God that if the ticket price stayed at that price through this morning, I would take that as a sign to go. When I checked this morning, it had jumped to over $500. There was my answer.

I thought through why it wouldn't be good for me to go. I realized that I need to grieve and remember my grandma in a calm atmosphere. Going there with my mother (someone who I have been clashing with for many years now) to be around other family members who have distrust for each other would not make for a calm atmosphere. It would be upsetting and stressful.
I do feel as though I'm being led to go out there soon, just not now. I am hoping that within the next couple of months, John and I can go together and visit graveside. She will be buried along with her mother and father, and I have yet to visit them graveside. It would be a good thing for me.

Her memorial service is on Sunday afternoon. John and I have made a plan to take the boys to Multnomah Falls and spend some quality family time together that day. I will be able to grieve, process, and remember her well this way. Calmly, quietly, and surrounded by my loving family.

It is weighing very heavily on my heart to make my way out to North Carolina soon. So I will keep you all updated on that journey. Please continue to keep us all in prayer. There are some people who are just now coming out of shock and really realizing that she has passed. There is still much grieving yet to come.